If you only had one day left to live, and you had the chance to tell one person from your past "I love you," who would it be? How about "I'm sorry"? Submitted By |
my son sean for both i love you and i'm sorry
i'll be telling him that after i die.
i still have a few meals of real food in the refrigerator: i finally cooked. i got almost the whole house clean today. and what isn't done i don't care about. i've got a nice home, lots of pets, friends and a job i love.
i do have some great new clothes i can wear later when i'm back tog enough to go out again. and i will be soon.
things are looking up :-)
i am a very lucky woman, all things considered. i just need to learn to respect myself a little more. i don't need to accept situations i don't like. all i have to do is get off my butt and change things.
i don't want this to be all i ever have. i need people to love, i need company, i need someone who can make me laugh. they're out there. i just need to go find them and not stop until i do.
- Mood:
content
funny. monday night i had a horrible dream about him and some betrayal and me being object of much laughter because of it. then things happened. and last night...don't want to talk about it.
but i did get sleep. no replies to my angry email. not that i expected any. it seems one rule was i am never supposed to get upset, no matter what he did. i regret that i am human, and can't follow that rule even though i've tried. all he says is ' i hope you feel better' as if i'm being hysterical about nothing, totally negating and rendering all my feelings illegitimate. i guess over there, they are.
so i'm going from 9:30-5:45 today. then home and i hope right to sleep. i wish i had taken some hours for tomorrow; days off aren't good anymore. its really going to suck.
not much has really changed in day to day life though has it. more crying, more headaches, more sleeping.
ok. i have to get my room back in order. i need some stuff from over there, that will wait until things are no longer raw.this is all no big deal right? except to me...and thats the one thing i have control over.
there are boxes of junk jewelry to sort out. some really nice clothes in the car that need to be hung up for if i ever go out again. theres a life here still.
ok. calm. :-)?
- Mood:
okay
and , you know what? i don't think i really AM in a relationship; no plans, no future, no togetherness, no cohabitation EVER. this isn't a relationship, its just a good friendship with sex.
i think someone up there might be sending me people to force me to confront all this stuff i've been trying to hide from myself. this is probably good and healthy but i feel like completely worthless SHIT right now. but then its all in the plan, right? huh
things do get better after a while, usually
very depressed. friend on fb raving at me to go out with this guy i rescheduled the date with RIGHT NOW even though i feel like shit. just wrote a reply thats probably going to piss them both off.
i don't care. i had last night, someone all exasperated at me,today the old client screamed at me all day, now these fb 'friends'
does anyone out there understand please let me cry alone, i feel like shit?
i felt ok until the fb thing. now crying. thank god for friends, huh?
still with g but we're 'very good friends' as far as i and any new guys i meet are concerned. i can't do that 'hoping= for =never= getting' thing anymore. so shoot me for wanting a night in bed alone :-(
waiting for nasty tooth whitening strips to be done, i cleaned the rat cages. now the room is half clean. it doesn't really matter as long as the animals are clean because no one of importance ever sees it. but i do like to have it nice, usually. right now i don't care.
i think next time i'm not going for love. i'm looking for a guy who can always make me laugh. love stinks ( i feel like the mop in the swiffer commercial, ha ha.) and hurts and never works out.
ran out of shavings so one rat cage is still not filled. i'll skip the night out with g and go to the store and come back here tomorrow. my check will be clearing tomorrow.
still going to goth clubs (later). got some amazing deal black lacy stuff and no mans lack of good sense is going to stop me from goddamn wearing it!!!!!!!!!!!! i am going to have some fun before i die, and think i better start soon or will be too old to :-(
i'm been hungry but not wanting to eat for days.still, no weight lost and how is THAT fair?
- Mood:
cold
i don't think i should HAVE to even think about worrying about this crap. what IS in this for me anyway? the legendary short end of the stick...shoved up my a**?
gotta sleep on that one.
- Mood:
disgusted
i'm sane.
i live in a barn.
quote of the day " just because you love him, it doesn't mean hes not a troll'
mmmm, get out the logbook, i've found a new variety !!!!
i am now going to get some nice healing sleep.then i'll start worrying about and taking care of myself for a change
- Mood:
only slightly unhinged
i had dreams all night about losing my old house but still being 'with' terry (ex husband) technically, as in well, we still live tog but have not interacted and have both been seeing other people for years. but still we have all these little kids and i have to consult him on everything. he's arranged finding us a new place on his own and we've moved into some strange very run down apt building where we have some of the rooms, other families have others, its very messy, and i need to start fixing our part up for the kids-clean, paint, nest etc.- but don't really know which rooms are ours. its just one big, endless, boundary-less falling down house with no hallways, just doors that go from room to room. people keep coming and telling me 'no, this room IS in your section of the house but its ours, not yours, please leave it alone. terry knows which rooms are ours but hes off somewhere very far away, has been for a long time, will not be back and i have no way to contact him. so i'm alone and have no idea which rooms are our homes, so i can't start repairing things.the kids aren't there either, but will be showing up.
finally somehow, i get terry back to consult him on what i can plant in the one very small part of flower garden i know is ours and he tells me to plant some kind of plant i've never heard of, and only that.
then, one of the many housemates comes over and says' yes, well that IS your garden but the previous tenant of your rooms let Mrs. B- who lives next door- take care of some of it for years, so we are expected to do the same. in the garden there are empty spots for maybe 3 more plants: the ones i thought i'd get to grow my own things in...but no those are Mrs. B's spots and i can't use them.
i was sad and then i went back to looking for our rooms- there was one i thought was our bedroom that had an old fireplace that i liked, but that also meant i'd be sharing a bed with terry which i didn't like. lots of wandering around, being lost, and looking for things
then i woke up
- Mood:
weird
if i forget, please scold
note to self: get more aluminum foil- Mood:
contemplative
no i wasn't being dramatic though i half feared i was at the time.
she really is dead.
life #2 is a tiny bit better than life #1, though not hugely
still bs , just different bs
too bored to give a damn about anything
did i mention, i'm bored?
oh and alone.
don't forget alone.
numbness is our friend.
yeah i know this is boring. no one is making you read it, so do i care?
no i do not.
yawn.
- Mood:
argh
- Mood:
amused
and there are ALOT of nice guys out there, but few real friends.
this just shows my history of bad relationships doesn't it? oops.
suppose i'm spoiled
bedtime
- Mood:alone
imo the very best local band.
i thought some of us might enjoy the lyrics :-/
to go to their website
http://www.lucretiasdaggers.com
this band is great! go listen for yourself :-)
if you like, they're selling CD's...
Sucker/Savior
Inextricably tied...
Indelibly in my art...
Don't call me a romantic...
Tough shit if you don't like it...
Tell me when you want me
But not when you're needy
I'll be dating to distraction
With other human beings
Fuck me when you're happy
Commit to absolutely nothing
Detachment can be healthy
But it's a recurring dream
I've no choice but to want you
Your experiments exclude me
How can I be happy
Knowing you're not mine?
I know that you're not ready
I think I must be crazy
I'd be foolish to be waiting
So I'll just move along
For anything I was willing
To your needs fulfilling
Somehow my every effort
Fell insufficiently
I'm a sucker, I'm your savior
Mystified by your behavior
Did you think you'd get away with
Tearing me apart?
You have my heart; I want it back now
Since you said I'm not your flavor
You were my friendly neighbor
Now, a dagger for my heart
You know you don't deserve me
I gave more than I should
I am stunned by the reversal
of who I thought I knew you were
Now my world is turned upside down
All I thought was good is underground
Your words and letters in a shallow grave
I will bury it all and you...
Curse me if you want to
Whatever to get through
Deny feelings if you must, too
The universe knows truth
Your memory still haunts me
When I think that I'm not thinking
The fissure on my soul still
sings sad flower songs
This should be oh so thrilling
As we deal by days in time
Counting down 'til nothing matters
And I'll wonder was it a lie?
I'm a sucker, I'm your savior...
You have my heart; I want it back now...
Fuck me when you're happy...
You know you don't deserve me...
Curse me if you want to...
Tough shit if you don't like it!
like that will ever happen! even i know that and nobody ever tells me anything.i have nothing to do with this. my plans are someday renting a room somewhere and keeping up the visiting in his attic
i'd just like to be within 300 ft of him more often, the attic is fine.
i feel better about being a drama queen now as obviously he is too, just doesn't want to admit it. tiaras for everyone :-), ha!
i want a pink one.
men.
and i don't feel guilty anymore. its not gonna work. i haven't done anything wrong.
i am not the enemy.
- Mood:bah!
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
broken010408- broken010408
Syndicate
