The Truth, and What Happens After That

oh

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 00:02:38 GMT

no reply no reply no reply even from my kids- they only write to me about money. i took care of them with no help from their father and loved them with everything i had and now its like i'm dead to them. unless their father wants money. then he has my son write to me on face book.
i guess dads new gf is 'mom' now.
and i'm out looking for someone who wants to be with me...what a joke. never gonna happen. they want you when they can use you- then forget about you. until they want something again

yeah yeah yeah i know- whine whine whine. i should be happy just to be inside a warm house right now. millions of people have lived and died alone. no big deal.
at least i can say its not for lack of trying. years of good, hard trying
maybe theres just no point fighting fate.

well

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 22:19:11 GMT

i hear it is going to snow...or not...here or just somewhere else, they don't know. again, they are saying it will be on a day i'll have to be driving to and from work. put 2 more piercings in other ear. need to get to the library. need to get a life. i'm trying to. the world is just not cooperating at the moment >:-( i suppose i need to 'take things slow' which means a lot more time sitting alone in my room- in an empty house because my 79 year old dad actually has a life= trying to stay positive. all i can really think of right now is that if i do find what i need it will probably be a pain in the ass most of the time. but thats just the way males are. i like to be alone. but not all the time. i want someone to grunt at when i get home and who i can find snoring way on the other side of our king sized bed (ie enough room, like sleeping alone but better) on most nights. if its cold they are useful as heaters. well. i've got a lot of jewelry now :-/ the bank is refusing to cash my child support check because its 25$ short of the 200 in my account, prompting a call from the troll, because of the 30$ 'monthly fee' they tacked onto my supposedly 'free' acct. i need a new bank. this is the second time they've changed the rules without seeing fit to tell me in the last 3 or so months. so i'm inadequate all around, i see. i had a gd budget too %^%$#@@!!!
i'm going to be doing anything i have to to try to find a better way to live, i'm sure much of it will suck. but its better than just doing nothing.
off to twiddle thumbs.

heh

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 07:24:08 GMT

heh heh heh! HEH!!!!!

fa la la

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:53:37 GMT

i put the tree up last night. i don't know why, i just felt like i should. someone else cooked dinner which was very good and a nice luxury.
i have that scary feeling something bad is going to happen again soon. but its something that there is nothing i can do about. i think trying has made it worse.
so its back off time.it feels like back off you're being a PITA time.
so i'm working, crocheting while clients sleep. cooking squash etc for lunch.
calling old friends and trying to meet new ones just as hard as i can. it sucks to sit home feeling like this and just worry. it eats at you and makes you kind of nuts.
so i've left 6 messages. i'm going out tonight. nothing but friends but maybe i shouldn't ever have anything but friends.
what i really want to do is go home and stay in bed. its safe there. there are no boulders hanging by a string over my head when i'm alone at home. its lonely as hell, but safer.
don't feel like cleaning. the one thing i did clean, the rat cages, seems to have started a plague. they are getting some kind of respiratory infection and dying. five in the last week. they're fine at bedtime and then when i wake up i find them dead or struggling to breathe then dying.nothing helps.
i changed and cleaned everything, nothing has helped. its the nightmare of the virus brought home from the rabbit show a few years ago, this time with the rats. they haven't gone anywhere. nothing has changed. my hamster also has spots.all i can think of is something in the bedding? but i changed it!
there are now only 2 left: pepper and boris and i'm not confident they'll live either. they don't look sick, but neither did the other ones until it was too late.
so all in all, i'm losing all the things i love. i have no idea if its something i did wrong or if its just random. i'm not going to have any more rats, ever.
i'm not going to be a fun date tonight.
everything is just flatly...sad. sad, with no way to make things better. more rats won't help and they'd probably die anyway.
sad.

email- hate it

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:03:11 GMT

checking my email has become a form of self torture
so, how many times do we have to touch the hot stove....?

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 05:21:33 GMT

for some reason i feel that if i really mattered, things wouldn't be like this

but then, that means they're happy and i owe them nothing.

ok.

slept

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:19:48 GMT

feel some better.except for headache.
trying to be good but failing dismally.
time for another short break.this is bound to be an unpopular idea but being sad all the time is getting too unhealthy.
it hurts to hear about things i'll never have and will never be a part of. there are some people whose names i could live much more happily not hearing anymore. i don't know exactly how far i'm supposed to bend here. too late- already cracked.
place is a mess. my health ins is going to be screwed up because i didn't get yet another copy of my passport to send with renewal forms due to work, stress and no easy access copy machines. and laziness/depression- just sleeping all the time. off medications for mostly the same reasons- they need to be called in, i keep forgetting to charge cell phone to call from work and home= down and out so theres a happy little domino game of failures going on here. want to go back to sleep. should stay awake to do these things.should get out and make friends. it all seems like a lot of effort for nothing

maybe i'm just meant to be alone. its emptier but easier after awhile. even friends are too much these days. i'm tired and my head hurts. my eyes hurt. back to bed.

Writer's Block: Go it alone

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:52:22 GMT

Do you think society puts too much pressure on people to be in relationships and/or have children? Do you think this ostracizes people who would be perfectly content to remain single and/or child-free? Is this pressure worse around the holidays?

View 1377 Answers

no, exactly the opposite in fact
the pressure is towards meaninglessness.

not worth it

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:33:00 GMT

being a tertiary/secondary (who knows) bites.
i'm better than this

other than that, there was an 'interesting' ride to work i drove around 20-30 like the sane people. and so did not hurt myself or anyone else.
the psyhcos were going over 30. i don't really care what happened to them.

seeing the light is making me a very angry person. this is not the way to live.

so i went shopping. i might not be suitable enough to have the love, emotional security or companionship that other people are allowed..but i can have nice gloves.
stick it world.

well

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:30:29 GMT

the date was ok. not great, but ok.

other one came over last night. that was 'ok' too. i hate the day after, when hes gone...back there.
until whenever.
whatever.
heavy snow this morning, had to drive to hudson, survived. one more row to go on the bedspread. not feeling very happy, but it will go away.

thank you

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 21:04:41 GMT

thank you for the flowers. they are beautiful and much appreciated. i did take great offense at the sabotaging my own relationships thing...like this is all my fault, but i guess you didn't mean it that way.i'm sorry.

i'm hoping to someday find a good man who isn't going to have multiple partners. i don't want multiple partners so, i reallyreallyreally (really?) don't want to suffer through his even if they're nice- never mind when they're constantly insulting and/or make it impossible to ever live together.
at least if i look i may find him.
i want to be Important:lets be together not important : see you on thursday :-(
others have that...am i not good enough? no. i'm perfectly fine, thank you!

so wish me luck. i'm off on another Stupid Date tonight.does that sound excited enough? i've spoken to him several times, he sounds like a perfectly nice man.
i stll just want to get a dog :-( but then my father, being the house owner, would have to give me written 'permission'. no animals have ever been adopted in this house with the ok of my dad, including the dog and cat who are his closest companions now.
my mom always said' don't ask, he always says no, just bring it into thehouse and he'll love it'
i miss her so much :-(
so, out i go on a date to look for loyal companioship. life is strange.
am showered. naild done.hair drying.can't get ready foranother hour or so esp as i'll be wearing the Industrial Strength Undergarments- they're a bit constricting.
wish me luck.
please.

Lucretias Daggers

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 02:54:06 GMT

Dust
I've said it too many times
to too many faces--
it always turned to dust
Your love made it a crime
to turn it on a dime
or turn it into mere lust
You don't need me to tell you
the things you must do
it's a matter of self-trust
The answers you have
make me so sad
for you will be missed

You do what you must
leave me in the dust
don't look back
don't look back
You will grow within time
neglect me, that's fine
you do what you must
Leave me holding the bag
man, it'll be such a drag
trying to replace you

Don't call me, don't write
don't keep me up at night
there's no use, there's no use
The things we won't do
make me so blue
memories fade to dust
As the years roll on
I'll be singing this song
trying to forget you.

today

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 19:27:19 GMT

i am numb and deadly silent inside.

%$$#@

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 22:38:50 GMT

For some reason i keep trying to work things out so they'll be easier and better but somehow i always manage to fuck things up and make it all worse. someone please tell me why this happens?
what is wrong with me? confusing writing? poor social skills? what?
:-(

beginning to suspect

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 16:34:56 GMT

no replies are a passive aggressive kind of thing. not even *one bit * of solace for me with all my inconvenient emotions. its ok. i'm tired. i've lost enough sleep over this whole thing. last night: awake all night. was going to visit w/ a friend tonight but i may end up passing out on his couch instead if he lets me :-/
i've got a lot of regrets about what i've done in my life already, whats one more? just add it to the pile. and i can tell myself it would have hurt more to keep going like this and end up alone for the rest of my life.
the way it is now i will definitely end up alone, if i take my chances on someone else theres a chance i won't.
its not selfish- i'm one of a trio and 3 is 2 too many for any man if he wants to treat you right. ( or has any common sense)

i will not feel bad. i'm not being selfish and my moms dead, so nobody else is going to look out for me except me.
seems you have to fight for what you need.so i fight.

wisdom from yoVille

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:04:30 GMT

"Friendships diminish over time, so be sure to visit each other often!"

all i do these days is work and play with imaginary friends

same old

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:23:15 GMT

alone and lonely as usual
moving to rectify that :-(

moved things out from in front of my closet into the other room.i shouldn't have to struggle to move around in my room while leaving one big one empty based on ...what? i'm not sure. \
so whatever.
i'll cover them with sheets to control dust however.that has to be good enough. :-(

Writer's Block: I'm sorry

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:36:02 GMT

If you only had one day left to live, and you had the chance to tell one person from your past "I love you," who would it be? How about "I'm sorry"?

Submitted By crazy_lil_loud1

View 1408 Answers

my son sean for both i love you and i'm sorry
i'll be telling him that after i die.

dmitri

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 16:13:09 GMT

is my lap top. he and i are getting a trial separation. i don't think hes good for me. he takes up a great deal of my time and only makes me sad.

good things

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 03:07:20 GMT

i got a huge number of things done today. i work every day next week so i will be very busy. miss emily is here with me. i spent quality time with the clients dog today. things here are falling into line. i'm going to change things and my life will get better. i'm not stupid. i'm fine alone-not happy yet- but fine. i recognize that i have made many stupid mistakes lately but have learned from them. i've dodged a bullet.
i still have a few meals of real food in the refrigerator: i finally cooked. i got almost the whole house clean today. and what isn't done i don't care about. i've got a nice home, lots of pets, friends and a job i love.
i do have some great new clothes i can wear later when i'm back tog enough to go out again. and i will be soon.
things are looking up :-)
i am a very lucky woman, all things considered. i just need to learn to respect myself a little more. i don't need to accept situations i don't like. all i have to do is get off my butt and change things.
i don't want this to be all i ever have. i need people to love, i need company, i need someone who can make me laugh. they're out there. i just need to go find them and not stop until i do.

ok so i was upset

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:17:04 GMT

and its all happened and now to live with it. i'm going to have to find something to look forward to. there isn't anything now. sleep doesn't help because i have nightmares all night
funny. monday night i had a horrible dream about him and some betrayal and me being object of much laughter because of it. then things happened. and last night...don't want to talk about it.

but i did get sleep. no replies to my angry email. not that i expected any. it seems one rule was i am never supposed to get upset, no matter what he did. i regret that i am human, and can't follow that rule even though i've tried. all he says is ' i hope you feel better' as if i'm being hysterical about nothing, totally negating and rendering all my feelings illegitimate. i guess over there, they are.
so i'm going from 9:30-5:45 today. then home and i hope right to sleep. i wish i had taken some hours for tomorrow; days off aren't good anymore. its really going to suck.
not much has really changed in day to day life though has it. more crying, more headaches, more sleeping.
ok. i have to get my room back in order. i need some stuff from over there, that will wait until things are no longer raw.this is all no big deal right? except to me...and thats the one thing i have control over.
there are boxes of junk jewelry to sort out. some really nice clothes in the car that need to be hung up for if i ever go out again. theres a life here still.
ok. calm. :-)?

I HATE PEOPLE

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 23:58:19 GMT

so another Really Bad Date because of the 'open relationship'
and , you know what? i don't think i really AM in a relationship; no plans, no future, no togetherness, no cohabitation EVER. this isn't a relationship, its just a good friendship with sex.
i think someone up there might be sending me people to force me to confront all this stuff i've been trying to hide from myself. this is probably good and healthy but i feel like completely worthless SHIT right now. but then its all in the plan, right? huh
things do get better after a while, usually

very depressed. friend on fb raving at me to go out with this guy i rescheduled the date with RIGHT NOW even though i feel like shit. just wrote a reply thats probably going to piss them both off.
i don't care. i had last night, someone all exasperated at me,today the old client screamed at me all day, now these fb 'friends'
does anyone out there understand please let me cry alone, i feel like shit?
i felt ok until the fb thing. now crying. thank god for friends, huh?

still with g but we're 'very good friends' as far as i and any new guys i meet are concerned. i can't do that 'hoping= for =never= getting' thing anymore. so shoot me for wanting a night in bed alone :-(

waiting for nasty tooth whitening strips to be done, i cleaned the rat cages. now the room is half clean. it doesn't really matter as long as the animals are clean because no one of importance ever sees it. but i do like to have it nice, usually. right now i don't care.
i think next time i'm not going for love. i'm looking for a guy who can always make me laugh. love stinks ( i feel like the mop in the swiffer commercial, ha ha.) and hurts and never works out.

ran out of shavings so one rat cage is still not filled. i'll skip the night out with g and go to the store and come back here tomorrow. my check will be clearing tomorrow.
still going to goth clubs (later). got some amazing deal black lacy stuff and no mans lack of good sense is going to stop me from goddamn wearing it!!!!!!!!!!!! i am going to have some fun before i die, and think i better start soon or will be too old to :-(
i'm been hungry but not wanting to eat for days.still, no weight lost and how is THAT fair?

i have no idea

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 01:29:05 GMT

why i keep wasting my energy worrying about this stuff. if things like that are going to happen, then i'll be better off without it anyway.
i don't think i should HAVE to even think about worrying about this crap. what IS in this for me anyway? the legendary short end of the stick...shoved up my a**?
gotta sleep on that one.

Writer's Block: Two Truths and a Lie

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 04:49:22 GMT

Post two truths and a lie about yourself as an answer to Writer's Block. Have people guess which is the lie in the comments.

View 533 Answers

i'm not mean enough yet.

i'm sane.

i live in a barn.

ok

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 21:06:14 GMT

i just got a nasty little shot of reality. i asked for it though: i needed the information. i may be a little on edge for awhile but...i've actually gone through most of that process so there is not much- if any- further down to go. its a bad place but i'e been here oh so many times before i could find my way out blindfolded.

quote of the day " just because you love him, it doesn't mean hes not a troll'

mmmm, get out the logbook, i've found a new variety !!!!

i am now going to get some nice healing sleep.then i'll start worrying about and taking care of myself for a change